Yonderly
by The Readers Muse
Summary: "We should talk," Billy suggested gently. Easing him into it, just like he always did.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the "Jurassic Park" franchise or "Jurassic Park III". Everything belongs to whoever owns them, my wishful thinking aside.

**Authors Note #1:** I started writing this a while ago and didn't really know what I wanted to do with it. I recently rediscovered it and finally figured that out. I wanted to present something that showed Alan's thought process going into a relationship with Billy after the island.

**Disclaimer:** post movie, injury recovery, canon appropriate violence, adult language, drama, angst, romance, mild sexual content, slow burn, friends to lovers, emotional constipation, clueless boys.

**Yonderly**

_**Chapter One**_

In retrospect, it should have been obvious.

But he'd never been much good at social clues.

Looking back, so many of Billy's actions were based around care-taking.

Grabbing his bags.

Looking after his things.

Arranging accommodations when they traveled.

Making sure he was comfortable.

Reminding him that it was past ten and he hadn't eaten dinner.

Covering his lectures and keeping the Dean up to date like they shared the same brain.

He'd rarely had to ask Billy to do anything, he'd always just done it.

It was the kind of self-care he rarely gifted to himself and Billy apparently made it his mission to make up for it. It had been a subtle, growing thing. Infectious to the point that by the time he realized he'd attracted a permanent tail, Billy had already made himself not only indispensable, but someone he didn't particularly want to be without.

But then, he supposed he was getting ahead of himself.

* * *

Billy had waltzed his way into his life with a fearlessness he'd envied so much it'd initially made him irritable. Hating how Billy made it look so easy - how he was able to figure him out right from the start.

He'd kept to himself for so long after the Park and Ellie leaving that he'd balked at every attempt at closeness. Even if it was just the friendly comradery that sometimes develops when you've been on a dig together just a bit too long. After the first summer he figured that was it, that Billy would move on and take his helpful hands, curiosity and sharp mind elsewhere. But despite his best efforts, he was the frog set on slow boil. By the time he realized he was in too deep, he was already cooked.

Because Billy never left.

He'd worked his way from a first-year student all the way to snapping up the position of his head TA both on the dig and back at the university. Steamrolling from a Bachelors, to a Masters and then a PHD like he was going through a damn checklist.

He always waited for it to happen. For Billy to tell him he was moving on to bigger and better things. But it never happened. Not even when they started to lose funding left and right and he gave him every rough-voiced encouragement to leave. Billy stuck with him. Content to share the dust.

Maybe that was why the eggs hit him so hard

Billy had never disappointed him before.

* * *

He stayed.

After Isla Sorna.

He stayed with Billy.

He told himself a lot of lies during those first few weeks. That Billy's parents couldn't afford to spend much more than a week fussing over him at the hospital. That he was just repaying the favor. All those years Billy had given him. The least he could do was sit on an uncomfortable chair and keep him company as he recovered. Then it was down to thinner lies - the ghost of excuses. Ones like going home meant rush hour and an empty fridge - an empty house. Or that Billy might need him in the middle of the night.

It was easy to avoid questioning himself when Billy looked over at him warmly from his hospital bed. Lips ticking up in a familiar smile every time he opened his eyes and found him there.

Apparently he was getting easy in his old age.

On top of everything else.

* * *

When Billy was finally discharged from the hospital he carried his duffel bag to the car and pulled up front so he could hobble in. Face flushed and strained, clutching a little bag with his prescriptions like a child with a secret. Only realizing as he pulled into the lazy weekend traffic that they hadn't talked about what happened next.

Still, Billy looked at him like he was particularly stupid when he asked where he wanted to go. Fully ready to let him. Positive this would be the moment he did. Politely cutting ties with the easy excuse of PTSD, recovery or just flat out blaming him for getting him into this mess in the first place.  
Only Billy didn't say anything.

It wasn't the type of silence he was used to.

Not from Billy.

It was loaded and decisive and probably had their entire future balanced on a knife's edge.

And Billy was leaving it all up to him.

His heart pounded the entire drive. Both of them saying nothing when he missed the turn to Billy's place and instead angled west. Taking him home.

Billy just turned on the radio and listened with his eyes closed.

* * *

"Easy," he cautioned, as Billy made it through the door and into his apartment on his crutches. Grabbing one of the kitchen chairs and pulling out for him. "Here, sit down before you fall down."

"Thanks," Billy exhaled gratefully. Dropping down hard enough it made both of them wince. Hand curling abortively into empty air like he could have stopped it from happening. Biting down on something he was sure would come out sounding patronizing - at best.

The awkward silence stretched as an embarassingly large dust-bunny puffed across the kitchen floor. Caught in a leftover eddy.

The quiet had never bothered him before. But now he felt- responsible. Up next. On the spot. He didn't know if there was a word for it. To know what happened next was up to him. That the buck started and stopped with words he'd never been comfortable saying, even in the best circumstances.

"Beer?" he finally tried. Figuring it was a safe place to start as he set his hat on the counter.

"Sure," Billy replied, wooden chair creaking as he shifted around to watch him.

He opened the fridge with far more force than necessary. Rattling lonely condiments, loose bottles of beer and not much else. They were going to have to order out for dinner.

He slumped into himself when his empty fridge stood out like a metaphor.

He really hadn't thought this through.

_Christ, what the hell was he doing?_

"I can hear you thinking," Billy murmured. Looking up from the fridge to find Billy looking at him. Head cocked, smile small. Reminding him so much of the last dinner they'd had before he'd hit the lecture circuit to stump for more funding - before the Kirbys and the island. They'd both drank just a bit too much to be able to look each other in the eye when they brushed hands grabbing their beers in the cramped booth. Not sure why he let himself get talked into doing a shot of bourbon or three after Billy got a mischievous look and trotted back from the bar with a tray of the damn things. Remembering how the night air had been a balm as he'd exhaled with a loose sort of pleasure and looked up at the sky when they eventually stumbled out. Hyper-aware that Billy was watching him.

They'd walked back to the dig.

Too broke and too cheap to get a taxi.

And it had been good.

_It had felt good._

But still, that warm brush of skin on skin in the booth haunted him for weeks afterwards. Finding himself wondering what it would feel like to have those same hands in his. Running down his skin, rasping callouses and-

He shook his head and grabbed the beers. Twisting off the caps as he slowly migrated back to the table. Setting Billy's down in front of him before settling into his chair. Immediately regretting it when it only made him feel trapped. Because Billy was too close. The world was enormous. And he was afraid.

_No, he was terrified._

"We should talk," Billy suggested gently. Easing him into it, just like he always did.

Sometimes he felt like their situations were reversed and that Billy was the mentor.

The teacher.

The one who at least knew what was going on inside his own head.

"Probably," he murmured, taking a sip of his beer.

Billy just looked at him - not critically, but softer - as he fiddled with the label of his beer. Understanding, just as he always did.

"There is a moment for these things, then it passes," Billy said quietly, maybe a decade later. Shocked to realize his beer was empty despite having no memory of taking another sip. "Don't let it."

They finished their beers in silence.

The ball firmly in his corner.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think. - There will be one more chapter.

**Reference: **

\- yonderly: absent-minded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the "Jurassic Park" franchise or "Jurassic Park III". Everything belongs to whoever owns them, my wishful thinking aside.

**Authors Note #1:** I started writing this a while ago and didn't really know what I wanted to do with it. I recently rediscovered it and finally figure that out. I wanted to present something that showed Alan's thought process going into a relationship with Billy after the island.

**Disclaimer:** post movie, injury recovery, canon appropriate violence, adult language, drama, angst, romance, mild sexual content, slow burn, friends to lovers, emotional constipation.

**Yonderly**

_**Chapter Two**_

He sat on his bed and stared at the closed door. Thinking about Billy in the guest room. About the rattle of a pill bottle he'd heard after the shower turned off. And the way he'd caught himself lingering in the kitchen, just in case Billy came back.

His bare feet curled in the dusty carpet.

He thought about the moment Billy had jumped. The moment he'd lost sight of him in the mist. The moment he'd been struggling in the river. How he would have chased him downstream if they hadn't held him back. How Billy had yelled at them to go. To leave him. He thought about how Billy had taken the eggs. For the dig. For funding. For his dreams. Misguided or not, just like everything he'd done over the years, Billy had done it for him.

It washed over him in a slow, impressive wave.

Even at his worst, Billy was always for him.

He thought about that moment in the helicopter.

Seeing him wounded but alive and clutching his god damned hat.

Smiling up at him like-

He thought about... Billy. _Just Billy._

Admittedly, for the amount of PHDs he had to his name, he was a remarkably stupid man. He'd been in love with Billy for so long - and it happened so gradually - there hadn't been one defining moment to mark it as such. He'd missed it because he'd already been firmly in it.

_Christ._

He wasn't good at this.

Ellie could attest to that.

But then, she'd wanted something he could give. He wasn't cut out for children. Or for the picket fence life. It just wasn't him. And after losing her, he could admit he'd bricked himself off. Assuming entanglements with anyone else would lead down the same depressing road. It had been a good excuse. One he overused if he was being honest with himself.

But maybe he'd been wrong about that.

_Maybe._

He worried the inside of his cheek until the raw tissue stung.

No, it was worse than that. Because he'd been blind enough to let Billy in anyway. Allowing him to duck past every barrier he'd put up and now- here they were. Separated by drywall, paint and words.

There were so many reasons why he shouldn't. Why it wouldn't work. Why it wasn't fair to either of them. But for some reason his lips were dry and empty of all them when he finally looked up. Remembering what Billy had said in the kitchen. Earnest, but not judging.

_"There is a moment for these things, then it passes. Don't let it."_

His joints clicked as he slowly got to his feet. Squaring his shoulders as he ran a hand through his hair. Reaching for the door handle with a hand that surprisingly didn't shake.

For the first time in years, he was ready to try again.

* * *

He settled beside him on the guest bed with a tense, stuttered sigh. Blinking back a suspicious film moisture he didn't understand as the sheets rustled and Billy turned to look at him. Chest bare. Scarred. Sleepy. But familiar.

There was a question in the back of Billy's eyes as he rubbed the crusts of sleep away and blinked at him. Giving him the sudden, amusing thought that part of Billy might have even thought this was a dream.

He smiled into the half-dark. The light from the hall leeching through the cracked door. Surrounding him with familiar things. Familiar sights and smells. Slowly softening the tension that corded like an ache across his shoulder blades. Something brought on by stress and anxiety - and well, being in a plane crash recently probably hadn't helped.

Billy smiled back.

"Better late than never?" he offered, nudging Billy's shoulder companionably before taking a deep breath and reaching over. Putting his hand on Billy's thigh with a careful, open movement. Forever unsure of his welcome.

But instead of moving away, Billy just warmed into it. Relaxing against him until worn boxers rode up and suddenly his hand was on bare skin. Thumbing soft downy hairs and more intimate warmth than he knew what to do with. Close enough to the crux of Billy's legs that his cock twitched with obvious interest.

_Christ._

"Definitely," Billy whispered, breathless and leaning in. So close he could feel the exchange of air. Helplessly mirroring him because it really had been_ that_ long and honestly, kissing a man had never been on his radar before-

The first brush of lips was achingly awkward. But it was the good kind. Something that came hand in hand with first times. With navigating noses and negotiating angles. Learning what worked, what didn't and everything in between.

It had been a long time since he'd felt this young and he couldn't help but try again. Realizing that somewhere along the line he'd cupped his hand around the back of Billy's neck and pulled him in. Tugging at the swollen-soft of his lower lip as stubble rasped against stubble.

"Alan."

It was the way Billy said it that really got to him as they rested their foreheads together, breathing hard. Like he was something more than he knew himself to be. Something desirable and impossible and _Billy's_.

He opened his eyes only to find Billy was looking right back at him. Pupils blown. Lips wet and parted. Already resigning himself to the heart attack that would probably result as the other man took the initiative. Because Billy wasn't content to wait anymore- and he didn't blame him. Allowing it when Billy surged forward, forcing him to brace against the mattress with his elbows. Stuttering a surprised sound when their erections brushed through their layers.

_God. _

_He'd forgotten._

His head tipped back on its own accord when Billy dragged his lips down his chin and sucked a line of kisses. Grazing his throat as a dangerous frisson of pleasure hit his bloodstream running. Making it easy to trap Billy's thigh between his and rock up.

Oh.

_Oh_.

It had been a long time since he'd felt this hungry.

"Alan…"

"I'm here," he said back, which was the only thing that made sense in the moment. Higher brain functions rapidly losing their appeal in favor of what was happening right here and right now. Finally brave enough to sink his hand in Billy's curls. Just because he could. Because he was _allowed_.

He could hear the smile on Billy's lips long before he said anything.

"Have you ever-"

He shook his head, sweat dripping off the point of his nose.

"No. Not with-"

Billy cocked his head and finished the sentence for him.

"Not with a guy?"

He slowed a bit. Reality seeping back little by little as Billy's bandages practically _glowed_ in the dark.

"I have no idea what I'm doing," he admitted, voice a wreck as Billy kneeled above him on the mattress. Giving him space as he slowly levered himself upright. Ignoring his cock as it throbbed – chaffing against the inside of his sleep pants. "Maybe we should wait…you're still healing."

His head came up, surprised, when Billy snorted a negative.

"If you think I'm going to give you a chance to back out now, you're crazy. I know you, Alan. By tomorrow you'll have talked yourself out of this and we'll be right back where were started," Billy told him. Hand resting affirmingly on his shoulder as they invaded each others space with easy license.

He chuckled ruefully, looking down at his erection. Combing back the hair Billy had spiked every which way. Knowing all he'd succeeded at was messing it up even more – if Billy's amused expression was anything to go by.

"Little chance of that now," he murmured. eyes drifting over to the equally interested bulge in Billy's boxers. Mouth dry again.

_Things were certainly out of the bag now._

"It will be fine," Billy assured, kissing him playfully. Strong arms bracketing him in the best way as he gentled him down on the mattress. "If we're careful."

_Careful?_

_Yes._

_He could be careful._

He'd spent years being careful.

Cautious.

So much so that he'd turned it into an artform.

An artform of avoidance.

But this was different.

This was about being gentle when he reached up and found Billy's hips. Bringing them down against his as they groaned. Unconsciously – then deliberately – chasing the friction as the healing scabs that raked down the man's arms itched under his palms. This was about being gentle when Billy reached down and palmed him through his pants. Making his hips buck as Billy smothered a happy sound into his neck, dragging teeth.

"What do you want?" Billy hummed, making him believe he'd give it to him. No matter what it was. Opening up an entire new world of wants as his brain threatened to stall. Overwhelmed with choice. "Tell me."

_You._

It was on the tip of his tongue, and it would have been true, and yet-

"I don't know," he answered honestly, making Billy exhale a laugh onto his lips as the kiss he'd been aiming for turned into laughter he couldn't help but return. Feeling it tug at his ribs in a pleasant sort of way as Billy shifted on top of him. "I don't even know where to start."

It was embarrassing and true, but Billy didn't seem to mind. Answering the question by letting his hand trail down. Grazing the sensitive head of his cock through his pants in a way that made him suck in his belly in response. Holding his breath as Billy's hand made it past the loose drawstrings and cupped him firmly.

_Jesus Chr-_

"Is this alright?" Billy asked.

"Yes. _Yes_," he said hoarsely. Nearly cutting him off as the pleasure of Billy's hand around him threatened to ramp up embarrassingly fast. Hips rucking up enough that he was able to squirm the waistband down his thighs. Wanting to move.

Then, quite suddenly, he knew what he wanted more than anything else.

And keeping to custom, it was a realization that was completely ill-timed.

"Stay," he breathed, looking up at Billy through the half-dark, holding back the whimper that rose up when his hand slowed. Biting his lip when Billy hands involuntary tightened around the shaft. Making pleasure burst like star-splotches as Billy's thumb grazed the underside.

He knew it was the right thing before the words had even left his lips.

He'd never asked before.

_Billy just always had_.

"Always," Billy murmured back, but this time with words.

Unsurprisingly, that was enough for him.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think. - This story is now complete.


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